its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
