nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
