I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
