Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
