when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
