I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
