I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
