i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
