there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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