I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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