I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
