i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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