my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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