I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
