I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
