Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
