I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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