I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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