I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
