I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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