I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
