Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
