Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
