Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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