You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
