Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
