No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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