Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
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