i need an iv and a liver transplant
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
