Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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