Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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