you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
