i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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