Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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