I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
