talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
