He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I am spending my child support on dildos
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
