Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
