I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
if only i could text you this smell
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
