the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
