I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
