Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
How external is "for external use only"?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
