Need sex. Gaining weight.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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