Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
