Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
