I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
