The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
