I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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