I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
