Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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